You know those cheesy movies, where the main character relives their day over and over again? It usually starts with a really crummy day and they wish to redo that day, for hopes of it being better. Their wish is granted by another cheesy character. Each day they make a different choice that changes the outcome of that day. Finally, their day becomes PERFECT and they live happily ever after. The End.
Well, I have been replaying a horrible day over and over in my mind, details and all, but nothing changes. The outcome stays the same.
Every time I close my eyes, every time the boys run, every time they fall, every time they ride a bike, every time they climb in a chair, all day everyday I vision the same events happening. I replay those moments with fear that it will happen again.
If you follow me on Instagram, you may remember Miles (1 year old middle child) “ate” a coffee table. He broke his maxillary bone. OUCH! Mind you, other people have had way worst things happen to them or their children that they may be dealing with too. This has opened my eyes to what other people may be battling.
As of right now, I’m not at a place where I want to discuss the events of that day. Although, I can tell you what God has done to help me in my healing process.
Two weeks after his accident, I finally started to deal with what was consuming me. Baby steps.
As I was in line to pick up Maddox from school, Air 1 was playing on the radio. They have a segment called, “59 Seconds of Hope.” This is always a thought provoking moment for me. This particular one hit home that day. The narrator was pretty much saying, your children always ask why and you don’t always give an answer. We are always asking God why and He doesn’t always give us an answer.
We do the same thing with God and get frustrated. Why did this happen? WHY?
But if we just stop and put our complete trust in Him, He will guide us where we need to be. Not want to be.
Is this hard for you too? Because it is for me.
Why did this happen to Miles and why can’t I get over it and move on? I mean, he is fine and acts like nothing ever happened. Is it just postpartum emotions that I’m dealing with? All these questions and no answers.
Is it because He wants us to lean fully on Him? Am I going to be a stronger Christian by going through this? Am I going to need this experience to help someone else one day.
What ever you are going through, you may ask why. Through my experience, it is okay to ask why. Don’t get frustrated if you don’t receive an answer right away. Just trust Him and continue to pray for guidance and strength.
To be continued…